NO, NOT THAT ONE... WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT-BALLS!!! SEND IN THE CLOWNS... THEN BUST A CAP IN THEIR ASS! According to reports, washed-up hip-hop impresario Pee Diddler - a.k.a. Punk Daddy, a.k.a. Sean "Pussy" Combs - suffers from coulrophobia. What's that, you ask? No, it's not one of the many venereal diseases Puffy has caught from the hundreds of skanks who've played vaginal ring-toss with his nouveau-riche, millionaire cock, and which he subsequently vectored into the Latino community via the very busy J-Lo nexus. But I digress… No, coulrophobia is something altogether less virulent, yet somehow, more disturbing, than "the clap" or gonorrhea. Coulrophobia is an extreme, irrational fear of clowns. In fact, Pee Diddler is so terrified of these timeless mirth-makers, his contracts allegedly feature a no-clown clause. This has some in the clown community (yes, the clown community) up in arms. "That's certainly discrimination," Fuddi-Duddy, a practicing clown, complained to the New York Post's Page Six. "That would be like me saying I refuse to entertain when a rapper is in the room." Considering the increased likelihood of gunplay in the general vicinity of the average rapper, yer old pal Jerky thinks Fuddi-Duddy's hypothetical stance wouldn't be entirely unjustified. Then again, everybody knows clowns eat children, so maybe Pee Diddler's on to something, as well. *** *** *** CHUNKS AND FRAGMENTS AND LINKS, FOR YOUR PLEASURE... Thirty-six years ago, when he was twenty-five years old, Irv Gordon bought a cherry-red 1966 Volvo P1800. In all the years he's owned it, the retired Philadelphia school teacher claims his car never broken down, nor has it ever failed to start. Recently, Gordon's odometer marked a momentous milestone: TWO MILLION miles! That's a world record, and yet Irv seems totally unsurprised by his vehicle's remarkable performance. "Whether I drive three million miles is more up to me than it is the car," he recently chuckled with reporters, adding: "the car's parts may be able to take it, but I'm not so sure about my own." But in yer old pal Jerky's opinion, what's even MORE incredible is the fact that some tribes in central Africa worship Gordon's Volvo as a God, and blood sacrifices are made in its honor before every hunt. Yer old pal Jerky suspects that this is the real reason for the Swedish demon car's record-breaking longevity. All right! Now I know what I want for Christmas next year! With things going the way they've been going lately on the civil liberties front, - barring any earth-shaking revelations of the sort that might make the rats ("Where you going, Karen?") jump ship in anticipation of a Nixon-like collapse of the current administration - yer old pal Jerky suspects a whole lot more of us will be seeing the inside of a jail cell in the coming years. So you might as well get a head start by finding out your prison bitch name. Yer old pal Jerky will be strolling the cell block as "the Altar Boy."

ON THIS DAY April 24 On this day in 1955, representatives from twenty-nine African, Asian and Middle Eastern nations - "the despised, the insulted, the hurt, the dispossessed" - got together for the final day of the Bandung Conference, held in Bandung, Indonesia. At the time, the nations represented - Egypt, China, Indonesia, India, Iraq and others - all had one thing in common: they had yet to take sides in the Cold War, and, for the most part, they wanted to keep it that way, believing the struggle between the United States and the Soviet Union had little to do with them. Instead, they hoped to focus on economic development, improving health care, and ensuring better crop yields for their farmers. They also called for an end to South African apartheid and the nuclear arms race, which was gathering steam at the time. American reaction was not encouraging, to say the least. They refused to send an observer to the meetings, despite being invited to do so. Secretary of State John Foster Dulles reiterated the government's Dubya-esque policy of equating neutrality with aggression. "If you aren't with us against the commies, you're against us." The end result? Economic, political and even covert military retaliation caused increases in nationalism, anti-Americanism and/or radical Muslim fundamentalism in almost every nation represented at the conference. Many of these nations have yet to recover. So while it might be true that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, we should always remember that somebody has to point the way, first.

QUOTES FOR THE QUEEN MUM! All the quotes listed below were taken from the Queen Mum's Online Book of Remembrance. Yer old pal Jerky just about pissed out a kidney over some of these. Ya gotta love that twisted British sense of humor! *** *** *** "I thought she would never die. She has let us all down very badly." - D.Holmes, Somerset. *** *** *** "She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was,a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening." - B. Forrester, North Yorkshire. *** *** *** "She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover." - L. J.Worthington, Penrith *** *** *** "How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual." - J. Fletcher, High Wycombe *** *** *** "On behalf of all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences." - T. Watson, Ilford *** *** *** "Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion. How would she feel if it was her mother?" - W. Waugh, Richmond *** *** *** "It is such a loss. God has shat on our heads." - K. O'Neil, Inverness *** *** *** "I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until Her Majesty is buried." - E. Gorman, Derbyshire *** *** *** "No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard." - G. Hollins, East Sussex *** *** *** "Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana." - G.Williams, West Midlands *** *** *** "She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort." - T.D. Wainwright, Hastings

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Henry Bent... A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him some Head and Shoulders, and it cleared right up. The blonde, curious, asked: "How do you give shoulders?" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Tony from the UK... NewsFLASH! A four foot, ten inch clairvoyant serving five years for fraud escaped from prison this morning. Police are looking for a small medium at large. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Wolf Child. During a dinner party, the hosts' blonde daughters entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one daughter was heard to say: "you see, it IS vanishing cream!!!"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Mr Jerky, Where do you have to go to find a female to get along with these days? Signed: Sammy Beard Dear Sammy; That's an easy one... she's walled up in a doorless "false room" between suites #314 and #316 of an abandoned office building, located at 7533 Freedom Way, Monrovia, Liberia. If you hurry up, you might be able to reach her before rats eat away all the good bits.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: WHO RULES AMERICA? Care of: kinglewis1@yahoo.com. The question that I see the two writers from the previous Dialy Dirts trying to answer with their little rants is one that can easily be summed up into: Who Rules America? Luckily for all of us there is a book which elequently states what the two writers have attempted to state. The book in question is rightly called Who Rules America? by G. William Domhoff. Since I know most of the readers would just like a quick summary instead of having to go buy the book, I will do my best from what I have remember reading and what I can add from my expertise as a sociologist. For the most part, you and I went to the local public high school where our network of friends was limited to people who lived in our town or neighborhood. The rich, however, all attended prep schools where their network of friends is formed by people from all ove the country. This allows for the Carnegies to know the Mellons, the Hearsts to mingle with the Rockefellars, and so on and so on. Then, as the rich finish prep school, they then move onto to their private colleges. Don't get confused thinking that they actually earned their way into these esteemed academic institutions! Instead, they most likely were dimwits and just had their parents donate a wing or two to a building (Dubya style). Once they finish their educations they then get a job in daddy's company. Now this is when things really start to look good. First, they and they alone donate massive ammounts of money to the government in which their company operates. In other words, they make sure that whoever is elected has an obligation to those who "elected" them. Second they fund universities with grants, and also make think tanks with their massive amounts of money to ensure that ideology which will best benefit their profit margins is expressed over the newspaper, TV, radio, and other forms of media that they own. Third, they sit on the boards of corporations. But not only do they sit on the boards of one corporation... they sit on the boards of several. For an explanation, say on Ford Motor Company's board we have Smith, Jones, and Brown. Smith also sits on the board of Chevron. Jones also sits ont he board at IBM. And Brown also sits on the board at Citibank. Now this gives FOMOCO an interlock into IBM, Citibank, and Chevron. Making the directors of all companies having a common interest. Sharing maybe ideas on how to keep wages low, or stop unionizing efforts. The example above is imaginary. However our current National Security Advisor, Condaleeza Rice, was originally on the Board of Dierectors at Chevron. On that board she used her Russian Studies major to help negotiate good trade deals for the oil in the Caspian and Baltic regions with Russia. Now she is busy making National Security decisions concering Afghanistan. If you look at a map, you see why this matters. This is also a way in which the corporations network or interlock themselves into our national government. So i'm just going to sum up a lot because if you're interested in anymore I do recomended you either check the book out at your local library (those of you who have them), or you buy the book. What we have in the US and abroad is a small upper class that integrates themselves with each other, and then integrates themselves into our Government, Economy, Education systems, and media. Don't belive any of this? Look at the boards of dierectors of different corporations. Look at the salaries of top journalists. Look at the Board of Dierectors for major Universities. You will easily see what I mean. Just saying it like it is, William [I think we're talking more about an "ultimate" class than an "upper" class, in this case. Dumhoff's book is now on my reading list. Thanks for the recommendation! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com