KATIE COURIC AND THE DECLINE OF AMERICAN JOURNALISM BITS AND PIECES After 13 months of rotating substitutes, CBS News has finally announced a permanent replacement for Dan Rather, America's longest serving anchorman, who was unceremoniously forced out of his job for telling true lies about Preznit Dubya's distinctly unimpressive service during his stint in the Fortunate Son division of the Texas Army National Guard. Starting this fall, the Tiffany Network's marquee news position will be filled by Katie "America's Sweetheart" Couric. The notoriously perky colonoscopy advocate will be leaving NBC's top-rated morning infotainment program The Today Show at the end of April, and will presumably be taking advantage of the intervening months to update her résumé in preparation for her inevitable termination once CBS News figures out what a huge fucking mistake they've made. In the meantime, just try to ignore that buzzing sound. It's just Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite spinning in their graves. Must Read Magnum-Opus #1: Mark Jacobson's New York Magazine article The Ground Zero Grassy Knoll, which paints a vivid, pointilist portrait of what it's like to live as a thinking person in the post-9/11 world, where we're paying the conspiratorial consequences for being kept from the truth. Where do you fall on the HOP scale? Must Read Magnum-Opus #2: Gary Young's Guardian article Silence in Class, which takes readers on an eye-popping, cross-country tour of American academe, where the forces of reaction are waging open war on the very concept of intellectual freedom, using sinister, dishonest bully tactics that harken back to history's previous Red Scares. It certainly seems as though the foundations are being laid for something awfully big, and awfully sinister, coming down the pike some time soon. Speaking of which... have y'all seen this yet? As an admitted fan of Jack Black, Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller, yer old pal Jerky has long wanted to see Heat Vision and Jack, the legendary satirical science-fiction sitcom pilot the trio produced for Fox TV in 1999. Until now, only crappy, fifth-generation VHS copies have been available, and even those were difficult to track down. But now, thanks to the magic of the Internets, this post-modern pastiche about a solar-powered genius astronaut and his trusty talking motorcycle sidekick is available to one and all. Enjoy it now, before the cease-and-desist letters start flying. This independently-produced video for James Blunt's new song, No Bravery, is pretty compelling. The ending is a little off, but hey… pobody's nerfect, right? CORRECTION: Yer old pal Jerky has just been informed that, contrary to an off-hand comment made at the end of today's first story, former CBS News anchorman Walter Cronkite is not dead. In our own defense, however, he is pushing 90. And that's close enough for us. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 4 Happy Birthday NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organization), which was signed into existance on this day in 1949. On this day in 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbs to pneumonia, thus becoming the first President of the United States to die in office. Harrison only served for one month, most of it bed-ridden, and he still managed to leave a greater legacy than Preznit Dubya. The first entry in Winston Smith's diary as depicted in George Orwell's visionary dystopian novel Nineteen-Eighty Four, is written on this day in... you guessed it... 1984. You can read the entire novel online, for free, here.

THEY SAID IT! "I have seen innocent people being killed. IEDs go off and [you] just zap any farmer that is close to you. You know, those people were out there trying to make a living, but on the other hand, you get hit by four or five of those IEDs and you get pretty tired of that, too. ... If you start looking at them as humans, and stuff like that, then how are you going to kill them?" - Scout sniper Jody Casey, who just finished up serving a year in Iraq, explains why he now marches with an organization of combat veterans opposed to the occupation. *** **** *** "Lestat Claudius de Orléans y Montevideo... yes, that is my Real Name." - Something tells me this freaking moron -- a self-described "American political dissident in exile" whose explosives fetish has resulted in the deaths of two innocent people -- will experience significant difficulty in adjusting to life in the Bolivian penal system. And, no, that is NOT his Real Name.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Mick! A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he noticed a gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender replied, "I can't. The C.P. would be on my ass." "What's the C.P.?" "City Police." The man finished his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, "I can't. The S.P. would shut me down." "What's the S.P.?" "State Police." Just then the Indian girl got up an walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken. "The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned. "What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender asked. "A Fucking Big Indian!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Trembly Dale for sending in today's second joke. A lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to take a bite when she turns to the man at the table next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she says. "Your napkin fell on the floor." "Oi! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know.I'm blindt." He reaches down to find his napkin. Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he spilled any food on his shirt. "Hardly at all," she answers, "just a few cracker crumbs." "Tanks, again, Missus," he replies, brushing them off. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few moments later, he inquires again, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" "Not at all," she replies. "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Do you tink I'm ugly?" "You're quite presentable," she replies. Smiling now, he exults, "Vat a relief. I vas alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." A few more moments pass and the lady speaks up. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks. "Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help what you got I vill take," he answers. "Lose the Jewish accent." she replies. "You're black!!!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Gilles... Little Christopher is sitting in biology class. The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter -- no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbour's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'ffffffffff! fffffffffff! ffffffffff!' But before he could say, 'Fuck Off!', the dog ate him."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: REMEMBER WHEN? care of: The Sparky One REMEMBER WHEN you displayed your flag on the front porch on the 4th of July, and you didn’t have to worry about whether it would be misinterpreted as support for a corrupt president and his administration? REMEMBER WHEN "Support the Troops" meant equipping our military with everything necessary for battle, instead of just being a catchy phrase that looked good on a bumper-sticker? REMEMBER WHEN your tax dollars paid for things like improved education and social programs, instead of making Halliburton shareholders millionaires? REMEMBER WHEN you watched movies about WWII, and it was the enemy who tortured captured American soldiers, instead of American soldiers torturing the people they’d allegedly ‘liberated’? REMEMBER WHEN you heard something on the TV news or read something in a newspaper, and you didn't have to go to the internet to find out just how much of it was fact, and how much of it was spin? REMEMBER WHEN a politician was caught with his hand in the cookie jar and he resigned in disgrace, instead of excusing his own behaviour by claiming that his political opponents were equally as guilty of wrongdoing? REMEMBER WHEN "Made in the USA" labels on products were the norm, and not a total oddity? REMEMBER WHEN you hitchhiked through Europe as a teenager, and you DIDN’T have to replace the American flag on your knapsack with a Canadian flag in order to be a welcomed guest in a foreign country? REMEMBER WHEN organized crime figures had to make phone calls from the corner phone booth, because they were the only people who had to worry about wire-taps? REMEMBER WHEN telling a fellow politician on the floor of the House to "go fuck yourself" was considered behaviour unbecoming an elected official, instead of being accepted as the way a Vice President behaves? REMEMBER WHEN you could pretty well count on the fact that if the president said it, it was based on sound intelligence and was probably true? REMEMBER WHEN you could rely on your elected representatives to put your interests ahead of the corporations that filled their campaign coffers, or the lobbyists who gave them great basketball tickets? REMEMBER WHEN you didn’t even KNOW what religion the people you voted for were, because it didn't really matter? Remember when you didn’t know what party your neighbour belonged to, because that didn’t really matter either? REMEMBER WHEN the pension you'd worked for your whole life wasn't in danger of being wiped out by corrupt CEOs, assisted by respected accounting firms that made that corruption almost impossible to detect? REMEMBER WHEN you could brag that as an American, you were guaranteed things like free speech and due process of law, without checking the nightly news to see whether those rights were still in effect? REMEMBER WHEN the president upheld the law of the land, instead of coming up with legal loopholes to support the idea that he’s above the law? REMEMBER WHEN you could say, "I’m a proud American" without qualifying it with a list of all of the things your government is doing that you’re not exactly proud of? REMEMBER WHEN you actually thought that the people in charge of running your country were smarter than you were? REMEMBER WHEN your parents worked all their lives to ensure you a better life, instead of worrying about how bad the life they’d be leaving their children might be? REMEMBER WHEN the importance of clean drinking water and breathable air were unquestionable mandates, and not some crazy hippie agenda to be weighed against corporate profits? REMEMBER WHEN questioning your government’s policies was seen as participating in the process, and not "giving aid and comfort to the enemy"? REMEMBER WHEN the enemy was a country or military force that posed a threat to American democracy, and not a nation of innocent civilians who whose destruction was dismissible as collateral damage? REMEMBER WHEN your country went to war based on facts beforehand, instead of constantly-changing suppositions after-the-fact? REMEMBER WHEN patriotism was judged by your words and actions, and not by whether you were a member of the party currently in power? REMEMBER WHEN the American Dream was attainable through diligence and hard work, and not the luck of the outsourcing draw? REMEMBER WHEN the election of a president was considered the result of democracy in action, and not the result of Diebold executives doing the job they were expected to do? REMEMBER WHEN you sang "God Bless America" as a kid, and never thought you'd grow up to wonder if, in view of your country's actions, asking God's blessing was asking a bit too much? I REMEMBER WHEN … and I wonder if these ideas will become ancient history by the time those of us old enough to recall them are dead and gone. - The Sparky One [God DAMN that's depressing. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky! What ACD meant by "varying quality" is that you sometimes put too much ACD in the Dirt, thus making it suck. Seriously, he's given us some good rants, the Darwinist fuck. Thanks to the twain of ye. YOP MasterTrollG [Our old pal ACD could (and should) write a book or two. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; N8possibilities ain't so good at counting past 99. It will of course happen again, many times -- every one hundred years, d'uh. Unless the Dominionists are right about the Rapture pending. Also, your twelve-hour respondents are incorrect. Nobody puts a zero before the one in 1pm. They either have a simple 1, or a 13. 01 means, explicitly, 1am. In the format listed, it will not happen again until 2106. ACD [Okay, guys, please. Enough with the digits. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, I'm gonna edu-ma-kate ya! It's daylight SAVING not savings. Brits in 1916, usa in 1918, repealed 1919, reinstated during WWII, repealed after the war, some states used it and others did not, Greyhound lobbied for it, and in 1966 Congress passed the "Uniform Time Act". Warren [Okay. - Jerky] *** **** *** To N8Possibilities' "never gonna happen again": and as a further sign of the end of times, think about 6 minutes, 6 seconds after 6AM on June 6th of this year. The time and date will be 06:06:06 06/06/06. Maybe we do have the right president for this momentous occasion. I mean, if we're going to hell, might as well be on a greased pole. MS [Yikes. - Jerky] *** **** *** This will really make you feel old... Put your birth date in the pop up window after you click on the below link. What happens is pretty interesting. It's also amazing how quickly it computes!! Very cool. Send it on to all you think might like a bit of trivia!! Andy [Jesus Fucking Nailholes, that's depressing for some reason. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Barbara Bush is GW's mother and GHWB's husband, if we are talking about the sweet, white-haired everybody's fave mom who apparently has flaked out. C the D [I still can't believe how many people's heads this long-running gag of mine still zips right over. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky - Personally, I love the fact that you 'mistake' Babs as Dubya's grandmother, I chuckle just about every time I see it -- and I laugh out loud whenever anyone corrects you. HA-ha! In fact, that cast-iron cunt is getting off light, in my estimation... Although I have to say that my favorite running gag involving Babs is from Robert Smigel's X-Presidents cartoons for SNL. Whenever the team is called into action, Poppy is always -- ALWAYS -- jumping off Babs in the midst of fucking her. I dunno, but I think it's the way Smigel's calling Poppy's bluff that he actually stuck his dick in that ugly cow... Y'know, come to think of it, Babs has always kind of reminded me of Sybil's mom in the movie with Sally Field. I'll bet physical characteristics aren't the only things they share. Jack [Come on! You'd do her and you know it. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com